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Monday, June 2, 2008

My Super Friend


My friend Jared Jones has a wife, who like many other women, has a severe fear of spiders and other creeping crawling things. Her recent reaction to a cockroach and his response to her reaction, calling it an "over-reaction," made me remember how it was he came to be so brave in the face of such a universally hated subject.
I remember the day distinctly. It was Jared's 9th birthday and the afternoon was unusually sticky for a Utah summer. We had finished playing on the slip-and-slide, and I had spent the last few minutes lightly crying to myself as I nursed a new gash on my chest, which I had received by sliding before a sufficient "rock check" could be done, and the yellow tarp declared safe.
The other boys were gathering on the back patio as Debbie (Mama Jones, as I liked to refer to her) was placing the last of the candles is the funfetti cake. Jared stood beaming over the sweet, multi colored confection (the only thing Jared loves more than a funfetti cake is two funfetti cakes).
I'm sure our rendition of "Happy Birthday" was as sweet as I remember it. Five neighborhood brothers standing around our celebrated com rad, with raised plastic cups of pink lemonade, lifting there voices in perfect five part harmony, as I accompanied on the accordion. Our voices sored through the summer air and reverberated off the neighboring houses. Spirits were lifted, hearts were healed, and somewhere in the world two Italians made love. Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm remembering that correctly.
I digress.
We had just started a round of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" When Jared began to gurgle and spasm. As he collapsed convulsing on the lawn a few of us ran to gather band-aids and mother's kisses, to make whatever the problem was better. We were only nine, and such medicine was not, as yet, outside the realm of belief or practice. Those of us who stayed behind continued to search for signs of the cause of Jared's quaking, but could find none.
Suddenly Jared's head stopped shaking and he laid motionless. As we stared at him, hoping for signs of life, a small insect crawled from inside his nose and rested just outside his nostril, as if to play, for the briefest of moments, a booger, but then continued down his face and into the grass, never to be seen again.
Looking back we realized that, at that age, Jared was prone to sticking miscellaneous objects up his nose. And what he had innocently mistaken as a harmless pea was actually a cockroach, a scientifically enhanced cockroach, to be precise. At that time Jared had lived next to a government testing and research center which specialized in the creation and breeding of super insects- not for any particular purpose, but just to have them.
In the weeks to follow Jared lay in bed as we, his friends, read in local papers of scientifically enhanced insects, which, after reaching super-human intelligence, organized a mass break-out of their facility, and were now on the loose in the surrounding area.
We could not be certain that the cockroach that bit Jared's brain was a super cockroach, or a Cockroach as I will from now on refer to them, but in the later days as Jared regained mobility, and full functionality of his bowels, there were obvious differences in his personality and
d amener.
He would often sit for hours in the dark eating small scraps of food left behind by his family. When found suddenly in a lighted room he would appear panicked and scramble for the nearest closet, and on one occasion tried to scurry under the refrigerator, which yielded serious consequences. He also encouraged his parents to have more children, lots more, and is a big believer in the 20-plus family. Still later, Jared could no longer tolerate the fluctuating seasons that brought on colder months, and as you know has since moved to Las Vegas, because it, as he puts it "will help to support the growth and prosperity of my family."
Besides these personality changes, and his ability to polish off a small box of doughnuts in one sitting, I have not witnessed the acquisition of any other super powers. In the end, however, I'm sure that if there were a nuclear war Jared would survive us all.
Good luck, Jared

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

"When found suddenly in a lighted room he would appear panicked and scramble for the nearest closet, and on one occasion tried to scurry under the refrigerator, which yielded serious consequences."

Love it.

The Jones Fam said...

Wow tom. Great memory. I don't remember any of that, however my younger brother did stick a pea up his nose in which he sneezed out weeks later after it had sprouted in his sinus cavity. Anyway this stream of conscienceness would make the ever-retired Mrs. Southerlin proud. I know how much you loved her.

Jared

Kylie and Drew said...

HAHA. This was great. I wish it really happened though. :) And by the way, if your gift is in fact in the "not needed" pile, it's because we got 3 of them. So we are possibly using yours now. :) Don't be offended.

Jake Titus said...

That sound strangely like the beginning of the Spiderman saga. Has he grown a carapace?

Tom Quinn. said...

titus,
yes he did grow a carapace, but it was an emotional one.

Renaissance Woman said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I am planning on a return very, very soon.

KEYSHA said...

I need Jackson Hole advice. We are planning a family reunion....and I know you are super familiar on the area...Lend me your e-mail so I can quiz you and Tanya on places to go, to see and to do. All the good stuff.

The UnMighty said...

I knew it! I knew it! He had to be a cockroach!

Tanya Quinn said...

Is it just more of an insult if I comment this long after you posted? Oh well.