What I Used to Think

Dear Abel
I've made a break through; turned a corner; leapt from the plateau, on which I have spent so many years without direction or resolve. This blog is a testament to that. Also, I recently enrolled in aviation classes to pursue a life-long goal. And, after at least 21 years of nail biting, I've called it quits.
A long study of my life has lead me to analyze the deeply-rooted beliefs I had accepted as a child, and which have corrupted my ability to function as a normal adult.
Some of my more crippling and heinous misunderstandings are as follows:

1. The monster under my bed can only grab my feet if I set them down right next to it, due to its tiny arms and lack of "Bed Monster Commitment."
2. Falling asleep is just a shorter version of dying, making the prospect of being unconscious absolutely terrifying, and giving "bedtime" the same connotation as "death sentence."
3. "Ninja Turtle" is a reasonable career decision.
4. Any child can overcome the fear of bullies or even the effects of physical handicaps through the purchasing of "fast shoes."
5. Girls are lame.
6. When watching an action movie, declaring "I'm him!", or "That's me!", in connection with movie characters, can determine the pecking order for the rest of the night, and dictates who can punch whom without recourse or retaliation.
7. My parents often drug me to get me to sleep, because I can never seem to make it past the opening credits of Saturday Night Live, no matter how hard I try.
8. The correct lyrics to Jimmy Hendrix' "Purple Haze" are "'scuse me while I kiss this guy".
9. Snakes in the sewer can swim up the pipes and bite you on your pooper.
10. Teachers are not real people, but farmed and bread for the express purpose of being cold and authoritative figures without first names. Those seen in the real world doing normal people activities are braking serious teacher rules, and should be reported.
11. All dogs are male and all cats are female, and that puppies and kittens are a direct result of a long and complicated courtship, which included dinners out and other pre-planned activities.
I can see now that a flawed seed will only produce flawed fruit, or no fruit at all. But, my corruption of yesteryear has been purged and set afire, and the soil prepared for a whole new season of sewing.
One fact I still hold to be true: Choosing your school picture background carefully can cause even the most skeptical of people to believe you really were in space.....in a space station.....made entirely of lasers.