I'm No Critic

I walked out of the movie theater the other day for the 2,007,283rd time. I don't even remember what I saw, now that I think of it. It wouldn't matter anyway. As far as movies are concerned, it takes little to entertain me. A little drama, a little comedy and a bit of action set to the backdrop of some futuristic or post apocalyptic waste land, is enough to keep me riveted for hours. This is not to say I don't know a legitimately good movie when I see one. I can foresee, with some accuracy, what movies the academy will be celebrating by the years end. I am also aware of which movies I can recommend to my movie connoisseur friends, and which ones I should tell them to avoid. The truth is, I enjoy many movies I know I should not. So here it is-- the top ten worst movies I love. This list will not contain such titles as Breakin' or Breakin' II (The Electric Bugaloo), Rad, or The Blues Brothers, because these movies have an intrinsic value comedically and by way of capturing the unique identity of an era.

1. Water World
2. The Postman
3. Robocop
4. Mad Max (Beyond Thunder Dome)
5. Legend
6. The Replacements ( a Keanu Reeves classic)
7. Remo Williams
8. Big Trouble in Little China

---Side note: Water World happened to come on T.V. after I started my list, and yes, I am watching it.

9. The Day After Tomorrow
10. Tango and Cash

Now, you can feed me a bunch of bull about how your favorite movie is Citizen Cain or Motorcycle Diaries or an obscure foreign film by some Russian director. But, your favorite movie is a movie you could watch any time, with a group or all by yourself. You could catch it for the 20th time on T.V. and keep it running even though you own the video or dvd.
Every body has movies they are ashamed of liking, and I want to know what they are. I don't want to know what your favorite movies are. I want to know what movies you're ashamed of liking.

Opportunity Knocks Me Out

Dear Willy Loman
In my life, I've only held two jobs that I was willing to keep for more than the summer, or the winter. or whatever the appropriate season- shoeing horses and building picture frames. Not too long ago I was "laid off" as a frame builder, which story may very well become the subject of another blog. And, as the horseshoeing season has not officially begun, I find myself once again among the unlucky and unemployed. This would not be nearly as alarming if I were 21 and single. But, as I am married, and nearing my thirties, a decade of life that should be marked by the unfathomable possibilities of success, and the hopes of settling into a rhythm and career that would allow me the rock hard stability of a professional foundation, I am faced with the terrifying prospect of interviewing for jobs that I have as much training and experience in as a high school graduate.
As I am trained for little else, applying at Michaels for a picture framing position seemed like the next logical step. My application rose straight to the top of what was no doubt an enormous stack, disappointing hundreds of picture framing hopefuls. An interview was scheduled at my soonest convenience, and the manager bent over backwards to accommodate my every whim.
The interview was flawless- a study in professional communication. Rhoda, my interviewer praised me up and down for my years of experience and for my obvious need for no further training. I would be, in her words, "an incalculable asset to the store." Now full of myself, I determined that this job and I would be the perfect marriage. I had been honing my craft for years, learning the ins and outs of frame building and picture framing so that I might arrive at this place , under these circumstances- the union of the perfect job with the perfect employee. "We would like you to start right away," she said. "That would be great," I said. "It would be wonderful if you could work the morning schedule," she added. "That would be my preference as well," I returned. "We are prepared to start you at eight dollars an hour," she said "Tpbbbbpbbbpbbbtpbbbbbbbbpbbtpbbbb," I said. Actually, I never said that last part. It was merely the sound of me filling my pants with disappointment. So, this is what I was worth. The realization was sobering, to say the least. My years of experience and training, my knowledge and skills, my apparent value to company, had all brought me to this very depressing and sadly avoidable point-- the beginning.

What I Used to Think

Dear Abel
I've made a break through; turned a corner; leapt from the plateau, on which I have spent so many years without direction or resolve. This blog is a testament to that. Also, I recently enrolled in aviation classes to pursue a life-long goal. And, after at least 21 years of nail biting, I've called it quits.
A long study of my life has lead me to analyze the deeply-rooted beliefs I had accepted as a child, and which have corrupted my ability to function as a normal adult.
Some of my more crippling and heinous misunderstandings are as follows:

1. The monster under my bed can only grab my feet if I set them down right next to it, due to its tiny arms and lack of "Bed Monster Commitment."
2. Falling asleep is just a shorter version of dying, making the prospect of being unconscious absolutely terrifying, and giving "bedtime" the same connotation as "death sentence."
3. "Ninja Turtle" is a reasonable career decision.
4. Any child can overcome the fear of bullies or even the effects of physical handicaps through the purchasing of "fast shoes."
5. Girls are lame.
6. When watching an action movie, declaring "I'm him!", or "That's me!", in connection with movie characters, can determine the pecking order for the rest of the night, and dictates who can punch whom without recourse or retaliation.
7. My parents often drug me to get me to sleep, because I can never seem to make it past the opening credits of Saturday Night Live, no matter how hard I try.
8. The correct lyrics to Jimmy Hendrix' "Purple Haze" are "'scuse me while I kiss this guy".
9. Snakes in the sewer can swim up the pipes and bite you on your pooper.
10. Teachers are not real people, but farmed and bread for the express purpose of being cold and authoritative figures without first names. Those seen in the real world doing normal people activities are braking serious teacher rules, and should be reported.
11. All dogs are male and all cats are female, and that puppies and kittens are a direct result of a long and complicated courtship, which included dinners out and other pre-planned activities.
I can see now that a flawed seed will only produce flawed fruit, or no fruit at all. But, my corruption of yesteryear has been purged and set afire, and the soil prepared for a whole new season of sewing.
One fact I still hold to be true: Choosing your school picture background carefully can cause even the most skeptical of people to believe you really were in space.....in a space station.....made entirely of lasers.